I’ve made it no secret that this holiday week was hard. Among the hardest. And I know enough now to let the tears come, let the pain inform me, listen to what all the sensations in my body are telling me, and just be patient as it moves through me. And it did. And I listened. And here is what that particular storm revealed: I’m angry. So so so angry.

As an ACOA I became enmeshed in a codependent relationship with my parents. I learned that in my house, my feelings were not valued. My needs were not important. And when you express your basic needs and desires again and again, without being listened to, you begin to behave the same way outside your home. Presuming your needs will not be met. Knowing your feelings don’t matter. And when you think your feelings no longer matter, you do what is asked of you, you people-please, you say yes when you really wish to say no and you eventually stuff your wants, needs, feelings…YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY…down, down, down as you become a seemingly solid person to many (someone people grow to love, even) but you are no longer you.
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And when life cracks you open as it did for me 3 years ago, and you really start holding all of these tiny stained glass pieces of you up to the light, a dissonance so grand is revealed that you can become (as I have) deeply fucking angry.

Why is no one listening to me? I’ve been clear on my needs. Why is no one valuing me? Oh, wait. Because I am not valuing me. I am not listening to me. I’m not actually saying what I want (I’ve learned from childhood that’s useless) and then I’m furious when no one hears me. I’m so ready to assume they won’t honor my needs, my wishes, that I’ve forgotten to ask. To state. To say: here I am and this is what I need even if it upsets you.

There’s so much more here to unpack. I’m writing a longer post on the blog today. But know this: it’s terrifying to realize you’ve got a well of anger deep within, especially when it comes out in crazy ways and inappropriate moments. Honor it. All of it. Let it inform you. And know that I’m adding some anger tools to the blog as well. For now, I’m breathing deeply and enjoying nature which is the ultimate healing salve.