Truth: I cried a lot yesterday. Something shifted in me when telling the story of Christmas Eve dinners with my grandmother. I miss her so much and there’s been so much other (more recent) loss that I was surprised by the powerful wallop. And somehow I thought baking cookies that I’ve only ever made with her would be a good thing to do: connect me to her on this holiday. But making a simple cookie we’ve only ever made together cracked me open.
And once there was a fissure, it all came tumbling out. What I wished this holiday looked like but didn’t. What I wished I had done in my life but didn’t. The people I’ve love who aren’t here to celebrate it. And the people who made every holiday awful and aren’t here either. It was a mourning of sorts for all that was and no longer is. I’m in a time of great transition and it seemed it all had to come out. So I let it. It caught me by complete surprise because I’ve been so genuinely solid on past holidays. And then I got upset that I was this upset on Christmas Eve! 🙈
So: however your holiday looks or doesn’t look, know that it’s ok to weep while baking and wake on Christmas morning with puffy cry eyes. We’ve been through a lot and these holidays with so many families cuddling and smiling in their Christmas pajamas can be really tough. And instead of becoming jaded and hard and cynical (jealous) of those families, I’m proud that I fought ever so much to stay soft and open, even after all I’ve been through. I’d rather feel all the feels than be numb.
So today I will be really gentle with myself. Morning coffee. A morning hike in nature that always always sorts me. And some writing. Every card I pulled last night, tears streaming down my face, was about unlocking my creativity to finally say what needs to be said. So it’s time to show up for that. And I’m sure all these feelings coming up just as they did, when they did, is in preparation for that.
Sending you so much love as you navigate today. Feel what you need to feel. Honor it. Even when it’s whoa. Know it will pass. Know you are not alone. Know this is part of your healing.