I have been working so hard on myself for so long now. I’ve also been working hard on big life things like selling my home (it’s not selling rn) and sorting big debt with my ex (a years long thing that feels like it’s crushing my chest). And I’m at my edge of “manifesting” something to happen. I show up every day to my meditation practice and my affirmations. I am doing the work and I keep trusting that things will shift. That light will shine through these clouds – the house will sell, the debt will be paid off – and I’ll finally be out from under some heavy things I’ve carried around for too long. I want that freedom. I’ve envisioned that freedom. I’ve inhabited that freedom in my mind. Measured its floors, its nooks, its dimensions. And still here I am and I’m losing faith.

And so I return to any unconscious beliefs I’m holding as an ACoA. I’m revisiting codependent behaviors. I’m revisiting my people pleasing. Where might I be holding on to unhealthy thoughts? Where might I be self-sabotaging? I’m also reminding myself that we are worthy of pleasure and joy. I’m taking care of myself (and my deeply scared & annoyed & impatient inner child) and doing my best to limit negative self talk. But I don’t feel joyful and connected. It doesn’t feel easy or light. I am moving through mud. With ankle weights.

All I can do is trust. I can find little joys in moments every day. I can exercise, take long walks, spend time in nature. I can find yet more patience and yet more strength. I can continue doing all the human work to move this forward (hiring the experts, listening to their advice, filling out all the things.) I can remain open to possibility. And I am and I will. I share this because I want you to know what healing looks like. It doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It happens alongside bills and debt and marriages ended and impatience and worry that this won’t change. It’s not all yoga and light and girl power with a side of evening face-masks. Sending you patience and peace and beautiful surrender to what IS while you are working to create a new IS. I’m humbly offering the same to myself. We will find our way through to the light.

📷: @annielangloisyoga