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November Yoga Class
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changeofair

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Rest. Rest. Rest. Above all things, you deserve rest.
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I’m still amazed that I finally took a vacation and the world did not end. No one died. No awful thing happened. No other shoe dropped as a result of me taking time to rest. There were not consequences for self-care!
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This is profound.
This is powerful.
I am allowed to stand in my power - to sit quietly for long enough to hear it, to calmly marshal it, and to correctly wield it - because I gave myself room to rest.
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We are in the middle of the busy time. The time of so many shoulds. The time of so much pressure to be everywhere, please everyone, audit your entire year and plan for the next decade of your life in, oh, you know, the next three weeks.
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Say no to whatever separates you from rest.
Say no to whatever guilt and shame and old stories tell you rest is not a thing you deserve.
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I’m convinced: rest is our super power.
Protect it and nourish it with everything you have. Give it to yourself without guilt, without fear, without worry. Sink into it and know it is what will allow you to show up exactly as you want to in every situation.
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Rest. Rest. Rest.
You deserve the most delicious rest so you can plot the most delicious life. A life you asbsofuckinglutly deserve.

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I have a lamp I’ve held onto for years.
A Nelson saucer bubble pendant lamp.
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A design of my dreams. Found on Craigslist. Hung in the loveliest of my homes - a modern loft in Silver Lake and it was perfection. It brought me so much joy to see it every day. If ever a lamp was made for a space, this was it. You could see it lit from the street below. Friends would call up to my open window anytime they would see it glowing, knowing I was home.
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I loved that lamp. I still do.
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I’ve moved it from home to home (no easy feat given how often I’ve moved in the past several years). Carefully bubble-wrapped it each time. Delicately carried it in and out of garages and moving trucks and storage spaces. I’ve hoisted and hung it in two different garages because I’ve not lived anywhere since with ceilings high enough.
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But I keep it. And I hope someday to hang it again. That’s hope. But it’s also something else - hanging onto the past.
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As I was in my garage yesterday and almost punctured this delicate lamp with a box full of Christmas ornaments, it hit me hard: do I love the lamp this much? Or do I love who I was when I got it and hung it and lived in that beautiful loft that I loved?
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Perhaps I loved the person I was at that particular moment in my life — still married, not yet aware of the affairs, I had not yet fully come into my understanding of how being an adult child of alcoholics was showing up in every area of my life. My life had not yet blown up in my face. I was blissfully unaware of all that would come after.
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So heck yeah, I love that lamp.
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I’m gonna keep it for now. Because I’d searched for it for many years and its hung perfectly in my garage. But it’s worth a think: what are we holding onto from our former lives? Before we finally saw everything clearly? And how much longer are we willing to drag it around from place to place? Going to such great effort to protect it, keep it with us, even if we no longer have any use for it?
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📷: via @real_ta_daan

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Every year on Thanksgiving - whether I’m cooking for two people or twenty - I really get into it. Favorite dishes but also new dishes are lovingly prepared (that’s how the kubocha squash soup made it on the regular menu; same for the cranberry habanero salsa), a table is set with joy and care and I can’t wait to serve the food to my people.
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I care a lot about Thanksgiving. A lot a lot.
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But here’s the thing: this holiday was NEVER this lovely growing up. People drank too much. They argued. They locked themselves in bathrooms in anger. People arrived hours late and others would leave the moment they arrived, also in anger. It was a delicate dance, trying always to avert the powder keg you knew would eventually blow.
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I had no model of what a sane and lovely Thanksgiving looked like. None. I had no example of how other families behaved on this holiday outside of movies.
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I created this. I made Thanksgiving lovely when it never had been for me. Year after year, I’ve made this day special for me and those I love. With wonderful food & a lovely table, yes. But also with boundaries. Also only with people I trust to keep it absolutely drama free.
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I share this with you because I want you to know you can make this day whatever you need it to be. Do I wish my mother and stepfather hadn’t died of cirrhosis? Yes. Do I miss loved ones dearly who can’t handle my boundaries? Yes. Do they still say crummy things about me on Facebook? Yes.
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But I have found a way to create what I love on this day...what I need on this day. And now all these years later, I have memories of cooking and laughing and being together even though that’s not what I had or saw growing up.
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We are so much more than they showed us.
We are so much more than they told us.
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Sending every one of you so much love. May you make it what you need. And may you honor every beautiful, painful, wistful, joyful emotion that presents itself today.
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📷: @shopterrain

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Things you are allowed to do this holiday week:
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Say no. Kindly.
Show up just for a little bit, then bow out.
Set a boundary and stick to it.
Say no. More firmly if needed.
Cook whatever YOU want to cook.
Invite whoever you want to be with.
Wish it was different.
Miss how it used to be. Or how it never was.
Feel whatever it is you are feeling. The icky bits & the good.
Embrace what feels good for you and leave the rest. (Even if that means leaving the dinner, party, gathering.)
Be grateful for what IS and what ISN'T.
Leave when they start drinking too much.
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I know this week is tricky. It is full of intense family gatherings and old memories and pressure and hope that it will be different and fear that it will not and longing for a family that isn't like this but this is the one you've got.
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In all of the pressure of what this week is "supposed" to be, remember that your life is yours. You are yours. You deserve to feel safe and loved this week just as any other week. Make the choices that make you feel safe. Make the choices that make you feel loved. You are your own safe space. You know how to love you best.
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Rooting for you. We'll navigate this week together.
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📷: @hawkinsnewyork

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You know I've been on vacation. You know it utterly changed me. You know I'm scared that I won't figure out how to bring all I've learned on vacation back into my life. A life that is busy on its own as I'm working on a lot, but a life that I also make busy (and stressful and compromising, where I can feel unseen at all times of the day) because that is what I grew up in. Chaos feels comfortable. Stress feels like home.
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I am still integrating all I've learned. There are many lessons to make part of my new daily habits and routines. There are triggers to notice and set down instead of notice and charge into battle, mind racing, arms raised for the fight.
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But here is what I know for sure: we must respect our need for rest. We must give this to ourselves even if resting is something we never saw, never learned, never knew growing up in our homes with alcoholic parents where everything was uncertain and we had to be vigilant every moment.
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This will look and feel like an Insta quote. It is, after all. But I want you to not just like this and move on. I want you to do your very best to internalize this:
You deserve rest.
You deserve to not worry.
You deserve to know you are safe.
You deserve to take the time you need.
You deserve a home full of peace.
You deserve to rest without guilt.
You deserve to sit and ponder without fear.
You deserve to play and laugh and relax.
You deserve enough silence to finally hear yourself - your voice, your needs, your dreams, your desires.
You deserve enough rest to be healthy and vibrant and strong. You deserve to have everything you've ever wanted or were too scared to imagine.
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No matter how we grew up. No matter how many triggers we are still trying to learn and set aside. No matter what.
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As we had into a season that can be so busy and stressful and full of every family trigger, I want you to remember this: You deserve rest. Please give this most precious of gifts to yourself. It's a game-changer.

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Now that I am rested, now that I know what it feels like to listen to myself and give myself what I need, I cannot believe I lived any other way. HOW DID I SAY NO TO MYSELF FOR SO LONG?
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As I sit atop my perch in Todos Santos for my last morning here before returning home, I feel as powerful as the ocean, as the stars, as the sun. I have learned my secret: I was afraid to stop and listen. Afraid there would be consequences. Afraid there would be a shoe dropping. Afraid afraid afraid. I have been living in fear, even as I’ve stuck my neck out to share and heal and share and heal.
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As I did my meditation this morning with the ocean waves crashing just below, I made a promise to myself: from here on out, we only say yes to what feels aligned. To what feels really good. We say no to everything else.
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I’ve said this before. I’ve even posted it here. More than once. But I understand my fear now. I understand that while I WANTED to be a person who said no to things I knew would feel crummy (and bathed in all the resentment that brings), I was too afraid to actually do it.
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I am no less afraid now. But I now see what it can feel like when you say yes yes yes to your deepest needs and desires and dreams. And now that I have that example, I’m going to trust it as my guide through some very powerful NO moments and some incredibly bright YES moments.
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For now, this breakthrough feels as bright as the Todos Santos sun. And I am going to bask in its rays and trust myself to choose what’s best for me, rather than falling into old patterns of people-pleasing and fear.
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Here. We. Go. 🌞
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📷 and stunning coat by: @eloiseptito

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Does the other shoe always drop for you? Does the good thing always (eventually) go wrong?
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Do you feel certain in your soul that a good thing must be followed by a bad one?
Do you know that things just don’t work out in your favor?
Do you wait, clenched, holding yourself so tightly - in relationships, in work, in daily life - for it all to veer off course?
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I have lived this way my entire life.
As if the other shoe would always drop - it was just a matter of time.
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My parents were alcoholics.
But so often their drinking began with joy.
A football game. A dinner party. Christmas Eve. My graduation. Going on vacation.
There was laughter and silliness and a joy you wanted to lean all the way into because it felt so good to have it all be good for a change.
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But it was an uneasy joy. A joy you know might take a turn for something darker. You could never fully embrace it, never fully enjoy it. Because you knew the switch might come.
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And it did. It always did.
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That joy lasted a few short hours before the yelling. The arguing. Before my mother locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out at Thanksgiving. Before my stepfather threw our Christmas gifts in the fire. (Really.)
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Even board games were fraught. At any moment it could turn from good family fun into him flipping the entire board over, pieces flying, and declare game time finished.
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I lived this way then, so I’ve lived this way now. In constant fear of what may happen, in clenched certainty that it would all go to shit eventually. I never wanted to truly seek joy because I knew the dark underbelly of joy. I knew the cost of that joy.
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This vacation (the one I put off eight times because I was terrified of joy) has taught me that there does not need to be a cost for our joy. We don’t have to face “consequences” for fun or for pursuing our dreams or simply being and living how we wish to live.
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I’m going to try to inhabit this joy. Claim it as mine with no downside. Join me.

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“You don’t deserve this” can be a serious master, if you let it rule.
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On this trip, I’ve had to wrestle with the push / pull of enjoying my vacation while also noticing the “you don’t deserve this” thoughts that appear daily.
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There is guilt at taking this much time.
There is “who do you think you are” to travel this way and stay in these lovely spots.
There is what if this affects your work when you return.
There is you better enjoy every second because you might not be able to travel like this again for years.
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But also...
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There is oh my goodness this feels so good.
There is wow I really like myself when I’m not working 14+ hours per day and weekends.
There is I really wish my life could look more like this.
There is oh my what if I could feel this ease all the time?
There is so this is what it looks like to love yourself and prioritize yourself and listen to your needs and do whatever it is that would feel best to you in the moment.
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And then...
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How on earth do I bring this feeling back into daily life? How can I make sure I never put everyone else first for so many years that I put off the same vacation eight times? How can I live with more ease and flow? Less fear about what taking care of myself might mean for others in my life - clients, family, friends - and doing what feels juicy and good instead of listening to “should.”
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I’m stunned that even now, with all the healing I’ve got under my belt and all the new tools I know how to wield, I have daily (daily!) doubts about how much I deserve to rest. It is profound. It is heavy. That I think I don’t deserve to play and rest and laugh and love without fear of consequences.
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Because that’s what I grew up in. There were always consequences for having too much fun. Too much joy was always followed by drinking and yelling and scariness.
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And so: I’m re-teaching myself on this trip that I DO deserve to rest and that there need not be any consequences for taking care of myself.
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📷: @midland_shop

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I can’t properly give perspective on this vacation yet because I am in it.
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But that’s also the magic: I’m in it.
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I’m in a vacation I put off for years, rescheduled eight times, nearly cancelled just a day before because the effort to go felt like too much. I was too tired, overworked. All the travel to get here felt like a heavy weight.
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I am observing myself now that am I here.
Now that I’ve given myself this time.
Even though some part of me, more comfortable when things are crummy, tried to take this from me just at the moment it was about to finally happen - another worthy exploration to come.
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What I notice most, so far: it is delicious to rest. To simply be. To ask what I’d like and to do just that.
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That is decidedly not how I spend my working days. I force myself to wake, force myself to focus, force myself to deliver. Forcing. Force. Forcing. All the time.
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It has been revelatory to see whatever it is I’d like to do when I just let it flow. No force. No “have to.” Just ease.
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I am learning me.
And I’d like to live my life this way.
With ever so much less force.
(And the guilt and shame that inevitably comes from the very notion of not delivering and succeeding and putting in the work.)
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I feel certain the next phase of my life - the most important work of my life - will be done in this way. Being so much kinder to myself. All flow, no force.
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And so: I feel on the tip of something big. But you know what I’m not gonna do? Force it. 🤗
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More soon.

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I stared at myself for 5 hours yesterday and I kept averting my eyes.
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My hair appt usually takes two hours. We chat, I look at myself a little but it’s head down, lean back, chit chat and done. As in: an amount of time I can handle looking at myself.
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Something went wrong with my highlights yesterday. For the first time in a decade. They had to be fixed. A few times. And to fix them, many people came over to look at me. And I had to look at me. For FIVE HOURS.
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And my hair looks stunning now. It really does. But I noticed something that broke my heart: I have a hard time looking at myself. I don’t like to see that I’ve gained weight. It’s hard for me to sit with. It’s hard for me to see that weight below my chin. To sit that close to a salon mirror and see my body seem so big.
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And that broke my heart. Because I like myself more than I ever have. I like the woman I’m becoming - through all this healing. I feel the most clear in my purpose. I feel the most powerful in my ability to create an incredible offering for others and an incredible life for myself. (User manual note: some days are more confident than others, obvi!). I like myself. I really like myself. But I kept averting my eyes.
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The image in the mirror does not match the woman I know myself to now be. The woman who has battled and overcome so much would not have that newer, bigger chin/thighs/belly.
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But she does. She does. Right now, she does.
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And I will be DAMNED if I allow any ounce of shame to cloud my view of myself. This body got you here. To this beautiful place of ever more self-acceptance. Be grateful for this body even in its expansion. Let it be a metaphor for your actual expansion and celebrate it. Celebrate this moment. And the next one. And trust your body will sort itself all in good time, as you continue to nurture her with very good food and deeply restful sleep, and daily hikes and daily meditation and yoga and all the things that make her feel ever so good.
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🎨: @kitagar

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