Confession: I’ve been doing a lot of #actualselfcare things. Small things, like getting my car serviced. Medium things, like making time to do an actual skincare routine. (This may sound basic to you but this kind of taking care of me never existed for me before. Wash my face twice a day? I was too busy surviving to do that.
No time. There were people who needed me. Deadlines to be met. My face could wait.) ((and yes, even as I type that it hits me: how did i ever feel that my face was less important than an arbitrary deadline set by a client? Welcome to the life of an ACoA.)).

I’ve even moved on to some really big self care things like pausing before I say “yes” and scanning my body, heart and mind to sort what I really want and saying that, even while fearing repercussions.

But amidst all this really powerful, life leveling up self-care, I’ve been very intentionally sidestepping something: my body. I’ve gained weight. Quite a bit. And I haven’t wanted to look at it (literally, I avert my eyes when I pass full-length mirrors). I’ve done with my body what I used to do with my face and skincare: it can wait. It can get less than ideal. It can even get unhealthy. Because I have other things to do that are more important. Clients need me. Deadlines loom. Mortgage payments need to be paid. “I’ll focus on my body later.”

But that’s the beautiful thing about starting to choose yourself in your life. I’ve finally realized that saying “I’ll focus on my body later” and putting everyone else first is some real bullshit. Like the highest form of bullshit. I get one body. One life. And if I want to get to a place where I can stare deeply into my own eyes and really like the woman I’ve become (and I have) then I sure as hell also need to be able to pass a mirror and actually LOOK AT MYSELF. It’s amazing that while I’m doing so much work to heal and look at everything, I’ve chosen to let this part of me go. As if all this healing stuff has taken so much of me, there wasn’t room for more.

But it’s time to really look at my relationship with my body. It’s time to take care of ALL OF ME. And be kind to myself at every step.