Our Bubble-Wrapped Selves

When I think back on past years - years before I fully understood all of the profound ways being a child of alcoholics affects you - it seems to me now that I was living my life well below the surface. I worked hard at a prestigious and well-paying job, I had lovely friends, I took amazing trips and I made great dinners and threw great parties for those in my life. All outward signs of a life well-lived.

But it is the strangest thing: I realize I was so many layers below the surface that I never really connected with anyone in a way I could have. In the way I do now. In full awareness of my ACOAness. In full knowledge of who I am as a person.

I was so out of touch with myself after doing whatever it took to navigate my alcoholic home that even in my dearest relationships, I could not fully express what I needed or even understand who I was enough to know what I needed that it breaks my heart a bit. Lovely humans whom I adore were meeting me with their above the surface selves and I didn’t even know how much space there was between us because the distance I had to travel to heal - to pierce through all the layers of pain and understanding - was too great. And I didn’t even know. I had a wall of damage around me, a sound layer of protection I wasn’t even aware I carried around. And so when you met me then, when you loved me then, even when I was giving everything back, even when I seemed to be up at the surface with you, I was still deep in the depths of my own unknowing. I did not realize I wasn’t meeting you at the surface. I thought I was..

The good news: I’m at the surface now! The sun on my face, the light reflecting off the water, fresh air in my lungs. I know who I am. It has taken me years to sort, but I’m here.

The less good news: without ever understanding why, I lost wonderful relationships. I lost people I adore. I could see in their faces a confusion, perhaps even an understanding on their part that I wasn’t quite ready for life in the way they were. And I didn’t know. And it wasn’t my fault. But I’ve carried the shame of this inability to be pre-healed for so long now, I’m wanting to speak it so I can finally let it go.

This week’s podcast episode is all about the side of healing many don’t talk about — the part where you miss your life before you realized you had to heal. The part that was disconnected and not knowing, but that not knowing allowed for less grief, less feeling it all.

I also share several ways to start integrating the parts of you that you loved back then into your current life now.

This is healing.
It’s jagged and circular and then a drop off a cliff and then an ah-ha moment and then relief. over and over again.
It’s not always pretty. I wanted to make sure I share that with you in a world filled with lots of positive instagram quotes.
This is not often talked about but it is the truth.

The good news? We get to walk this wild and jagged and beautiful and worthwhile path together.